- Winter Holidays (Christmas, Channukah, whathaveyou)
I have been non-religious since I was a child. My mother's side of the family celebrated the secular, Americatastic version of Christmas. Unwanted turtleneck gifts, the occasional twenty dollar bill, an evergreen tree confusingly planted in the living room, mashed potatoes and a whole lot of guilt. My father's father is a rabbi, so Channukah to me meant socks, outdated computer programs and underage wine consumption. There may or may not have been gifilte fish. I've blocked it out.
As an adult, I've visited significant others' families for the holidays -- those who say grace, pray, attend church, have a billion nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles. This profoundly confuses me, but I attempt to remain respectful and cordial, playing along where necessary.
The obligation to give gifts to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ or the fact that the Jews needed a winter holiday to blow out of proportion in competition with Christmas is utterly ridiculous to me. But, in the States, and in many other parts of the world, this is par for the course. Hate.
- Birthdays
Sometimes you find the perfect gift for a loved one and are thrilled to give it to them. More often, an impending birthday is an exhausting chore of shopping and wallowing in the fear of disappointment. Ever since I was too old to give my significant other a mixtape or my mother a clay dog I'd sculpted, I've been at a loss.
- Baby Showers
It's not my fault you chose to dedicate the next 18+ years of your finances to an unborn embryo. Why do I have to buy a gift for someone I haven't even met yet? What if yellow looks terrible on your baby? What if I unwittingly buy one of those lead paint toys and your child becomes gravely ill and you spend your life savings on hospital bills to recover and then you hate me forever? The last two baby showers I was invited to, I gave the happy couples condoms. My friends have since ceased inviting me to baby showers.
- Anniversaries
There are guidelines for these types of things. There are entire books and websites dedicated to giving leather for the 14th anniversary of a first kiss indoors or orgami cranes for the three-month anniversary of returning from a honeymoon. If you look up the actual list you will find that on the 75th anniversary, you give diamond or gold. But on the 85th anniversary, you give wine. What, are we just giving up here? I'm supposed to buy you precious metal but if you last another ten years together, I'm gonna get you a sweet Yellowtail cab for $7. Hrm.
- Weddings
Not only do I have to buy you something, you're going to go to a store and make a shopping list that I can choose from? Go fuck yourself.
Now, one might wonder why I am starting a gift-giving blog if I so passionately loathe the concept of being forced to shop and provide presents for those around me who won't stop getting married, making babies or living another year. The truth is, I'm sick of getting turtlenecks with snowmen and I'm sick of giving people socks with kitties. There are few things in life more gratifying than seeing a huge smile creep across a good friend's face because you found something they can actually love and enjoy, and won't regift to a niece come Christmakkuh. And short of giving everyone you know wolf cubs that don't poop and will never grow up, it can be difficult to find that gift.
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